Conflict resolution
Conflict is a common, natural part of human relationships. People will not agree about everything all the time. In and of itself, conflict is not necessarily a negative thing. When handled constructively, it can help people stand up for themselves and others and work together to achieve a mutually satisfactory solution. But if the conflict is handled poorly, it can cause anger, hurt, divisiveness and more severe issues.
Sources of conflict
There can be many causes or reasons for conflict. However, some of the most common include:
Personal differences such as values, ethics, personalities, age, education, gender, social and economic status, cultural background, temperament, health, religion, political beliefs, etc.
A clash of ideas, choices or actions. For instance, conflict can occur when people have incompatible goals in direct competition or even with different work styles.
Poor communication or miscommunication is one of the biggest causes of conflict.
Preventing conflict
While it isn’t possible to prevent all conflict, there are steps that you can take to try to keep it to a minimum. One way to manage conflict is to prevent it from occurring in the first place. Preventing conflict is not the same as avoiding conflict. Preventing conflict means behaving and communicating in a way that averts needless conflicts.
Consider the following tips:
Respect differences. We live in an increasingly diverse world. Learn to respect and celebrate people’s differences and opinions.
Treat others as you’d like to be treated. Regardless of your personal opinion of someone, be professional, courteous, respectful, and tolerant, even when you’re frustrated. If someone treats you disrespectfully, calmly tell them you do not appreciate it. Do not exacerbate the situation by retaliating with inappropriate behavior or comments.
Keep negative opinions to yourself. Most people are put off by negative comments about others—especially about a personal issue. In the workplace, this may lead to disciplinary action. Friends and acquaintances may be equally upset by negative comments about someone, particularly if they feel drawn into a conflict or asked to take sides. If you need to vent about a personal concern, do so outside of the workplace, keep it to a close, trusted friend or a loved one and keep it to a minimum.
Keep your distance. Unfortunately, this is often easier said than done. Often, conflicts arise with those who are closest to us. It is easier to get along if you respect one another’s privacy and boundaries. Taking a break from each other can go a long way in keeping the peace.
Resolving conflict
Sometimes, conflict cannot—or should not—be avoided. Knowing how to deal with conflict is essential. However, often, people are not equipped with the tools to deal with conflict effectively. Consider the following tips:
Address the concern early. The longer you let something fester, the more time you waste and the greater your chance of it spiraling into other problems.
Address the concern privately. Set up a time to talk privately without being overheard or interrupted. Speak directly to the person you have the conflict with and try to resolve the concern one-on-one before involving others.
Expect discomfort. You may have to say up front: “Although this is uncomfortable for me, if I don’t address this, I’m afraid we will not meet our goal.”
Be specific and objective. Identify the particular concern at hand and the effect it is having. Avoid generalizing statements such as “always,” “ever” or “never.” Stick to the subject; try not to stray into broad personality issues or revive past issues.
Focus on the outcome. Don’t blame. Keep the spotlight on finding solutions and how you will reach the desired results. “In order to reach the goal of X, I think we need to do Y.”
Be open. Establish an atmosphere of mutual respect and cooperation. Listen to and consider others’ opinions, points of view and ideas. Understand and appreciate that they think differently than you and may bring a more significant or different understanding to the table that will help resolve the problem more quickly and effectively.
Respond constructively. Let the other person know you value what they say, even if you disagree. Avoid responding negatively or directively, for example, criticizing, ridiculing, dismissing, diverting (talking about yourself rather than what the other person has said) or rejecting the other person or what they are saying.
Know your triggers. Learn to recognize your personal warning signs for anger and figure out the best ways to constructively control your anger.
Maintain a sense of humor. Be willing to laugh, including at yourself. Maintaining a sense of humor can relieve stress and tension and help get you and others through a difficult time.
Learn to compromise. Compromise is essential in any relationship. If you disagree on an issue, discuss the problem calmly, allow each person to explain their point of view, and look for ways to meet each other in the middle.
Don’t attempt to resolve conflict when tempers are flaring. Often, no one can agree on a reasonable solution during an argument. If that is the case, take a break and return to the problem later when you have had time to settle down and think about the concern.
Know when to retreat. The conflict resolution process will not always work. Skill levels vary and people may not be on the same level to process the conflict. For example, you may have a spouse who wants to avoid solving the problem. You may also have a conflict with a co-worker known for irrational outbursts. You must consider all these factors and know when it may be more appropriate for you to cut your losses and retreat.
Practice forgiveness. Sometimes, someone makes a mistake or says or does something hurtful — intentionally or unintentionally. While it’s okay to be angry, it’s also essential to let go of the anger and move on. On a personal level, it is healthier to let go of negative emotions like stress and anger. And it isn’t easy to maintain a good relationship if you can’t get past these feelings.
Mutual conflict resolution
In most cases, you should be able to resolve conflicts by working with others involved. Here are some steps to consider:
1: Identify the purpose and importance of the conflict—and your mutual desire to solve it.
2: Takes turns listening to each other’s side. This is a crucial step and one that requires active listening skills.
3: Repeat and summarize what was said once all the issues are discussed. It may help to write this down or even create “minutes” to document issues discussed.
4: Ask questions as needed and encourage others to do the same. Do you understand their point of view? Are you sure they understand yours? Clarify as needed.
5: No matter how intense the conflict, you should always find issues or points you agree upon. For instance, “We agree our goal is to increase sales by 10 percent this year.” Or, “We agree that we need to cut our household costs; we just don’t agree on what we can cut.”
6: Next, list ALL solutions, even those that may seem unrealistic, unreasonable or incorrect.
7: Review all possible solutions and highlight mutually acceptable ones. Hopefully, you will have at least one or two that you agree upon.
8: Choose the one (or few) you agree will work best.
9: Put a plan into action. What steps will you take to implement? How will you review progress?
By creating step-by-step guidelines and mutually agreed-upon solutions and action plans, you should be able to minimize conflict and achieve the desired goals.
Dealing constructively with anger
Conflict can result in anger. Anger is a common human emotion ranging from annoyance to absolute rage. Each person’s anger “triggers” are different; some may get angry at a friend’s behavior, and other causes of anger can be more serious—such as personal problems or previous traumatic experiences. In and of itself, anger is not necessarily a problem—when focused appropriately, it can help people to stand up for themselves and others. But, if anger is channeled in negative, inappropriate ways, it can cause problems. Consider the following ideas to help deal constructively with anger:
Anger is a strong emotion and isn’t always easy to control. Two crucial skills in managing anger are self-awareness and self-control. Try to recognize and identify your feelings, especially anger. Once the emotion is identified, you can think about the appropriate response.
Self-awareness is being conscious of thoughts and feelings. Examine how and why you feel angry to better understand and manage these feelings. For example, ask yourself, “What is making me feel this way?” to assist in self-analysis. Learn to recognize your personal warning signs for anger.
Self-control means stopping and considering actions before taking them. Learn to stop and think before you act or speak in anger. For example, envision a stop sign when you are angry—and take the time to think about how to react. Explore calming techniques such as counting backward from ten to one, deep breathing, or walking away.
Relax. Try relaxation exercises, such as breathing deeply from the diaphragm (the belly, not the chest) and slowly repeating calming words like “take it easy.” Or to think of relaxing experiences, such as sitting on a beach or walking through a forest.
Think positively. Remind yourself that no one is out to get you; you are just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life.
Problem-solve. Identify the specific problem causing the anger and approach it head-on––even if the problem does not have a quick solution.
Communicate with others. Angry people tend to jump to conclusions and speak without thinking about the consequences of what they are saying. Slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. Listen carefully to what the other person is saying.
Manage stress. Set aside personal time to deal with the daily stresses of work, activities, and family. Ideas include listening to music, writing in a journal, exercising, meditating or talking about your feelings with someone you trust.
Change the scene. A change of environment may help reduce angry feelings. For example, if your co-workers or friends are angry frequently and/or make you angry, consider spending time with people who may contribute more to your self-confidence and wellbeing.
Find a distraction. If you can’t seem to let your anger go, it can help to do something distracting, for example, read or watch television or a movie.
Set a good example. If you are teaching your child to control their anger, make sure you practice what you preach. Show by example how you manage your anger.